Struggle with how to 'be kind to yourself'?
Why do do many struggle with this? What does it mean for you?
Why can the phrase feel such a paradox?
The phrase ‘be kind to yourself’ is often bandied around and one I personally struggled with. I have been told to be kind to myself on many occasions and perhaps nodded but not really understood what that meant. It seemed in conflict to not wanting to be selfish, not fulfilling my role as the good friend, the good daughter, the good employee. I knew academically that if I burn out then how can I help others, the old adage of putting your mask on before helping others. Brene Brown talks about the people who are the most selfless and through research all these people, nuns, monks, always look after themselves first. But I am not selfless or a nun.
It is easy to see why many struggle with the concept of being kind to yourself, the concept often gets muddled with ideas around wellness and has become commodified and commercialised, you don’t need to go far to find suggestions of taking a long bath with some expensive bath salts, going to a spa or having a glass of wine in an aesthetically pleasing manner. To me this seems to miss the point. Many will also find it challenging due to the idea of being kind to yourself, also seeming to be a selfish act; putting yourself before others, and on occasion it can certainly be used as an excuse for this. I want to propose an alternative way to think about this phrase, that being kind to yourself is looking inside without judgement.
Shifting our perspective to look inside
When we look deep inside ourselves we all have dark corners where we hide the parts of we don’t want to look at and we usually hide them away from others. There are the parts of our psyche we have labelled as ‘bad’ or ‘ugly’ and we dislike, but perhaps we can start to view these parts of ourselves with acceptance and non judgement. Taking an internal view and accepting each part of you with honesty, the dark and the light, and not chastising yourself for the parts you don’t like. The reasons these shadows exist can be from experiences and learnings beyond our own control, they can also be seen from different perspectives and often we have labelled attributes of ourselves as bad, internalising a narrative given to us by society or people around us.
Let’s take a simple emotion such as anger, this is often negatively portrayed and we can be scolded as children for being angry while adults we can view anger as a lack of control and we can be ostracised, or at least have fear of being so. This fear can be heightened when we realise in public everyone can video us and post this online, you only have to think of road rage or the ‘Karen’ videos flooding social media. We internalise this judgement of a valid emotion. Anger is often a very healthy response to a stimulus, sometimes the trigger isn't what we expect and it often isn’t the source. Feeling angry is NOT inherently bad, but many of us have been told that this part of ourselves is unseemly, and it is hard to ignore a gendered and racial aspect of this where anger has long been villainized and weaponised.
Many traits can be seen as a two sides of the same coin, laziness or selfcare? What is being Lazy, we have been fed the idea that productivity needs to be our purpose, that when we aren't being productive this is Lazy, filling our time with tasks and chores and work creating ‘busyness’ but this can easily lead to burnout. So self-care and being kind to yourself is saying no to this, and embracing the ‘lazy’ it is the connotation and word that implies something to be ashamed of, perhaps it is simply in the intention. At the same time we can shy away from things that need to be done, or lean on our label of introvert to not socialise in the name of ‘self-care’ but all of us need social connection and sometimes the effort can make us feel good.
Understanding ourselves and our needs
Seeing these darker aspects with acceptance doesn't mean we should ignore our bad behaviour or things we want to change, but kindness isn't being nice. Kindness is sometimes giving the hard feedback as that is what is best for the long term, not simply telling someone what they want to hear. And we can take this approach to ourselves. It is also up to us, what is right for us, what we want to change or not, being kind to ourselves can be a way to really be ok with each and every aspect of us as we show up in the world.
Being angry and screaming out our frustration can be helpful to get release the pressure when something has upset us, when fundamentally there is reason to be angry or upset. Recognising that change can be the kind option, when anger turns to rage; violent and harming others or this isn’t easy but in the longer term worth the effort for ourselves and those around us. When anger is perhaps the easier emotion to access than the hurt that ultimately sits underneath it, being kind might be accepting this hurt, and having to deal with the fact that life can throw hard things our way. We can accept our ‘lazy’ tendency to want to do nothing as sometimes this is what is needed, but be honest with ourselves when ‘rest’ is doing us more harm than good, that is kindness.
I think the concept of being kind to oneself can be misconstrued as withdrawing from a situation that makes you feel uncomfortable, spending money on the wellness industry, taking a bath or simply having a nap, but I prefer to take a deeper look at what it truly means for us. This can be a hard and long process as it entails viewing these dark nooks and crannies and unearthing the ugly and painful, often therapy can help with this (I would say that), but not exclusively.
Supporting those we love can be draining and if we don’t ensure we fill our own source it can be very hard to support others. The importance of not hitting ourselves over the head for what we can’t do. We do the best we can within the limits of each of our lives. We also deserve to treat our own challenges and imperfections with the same compassion we share with others, and I think that is truly being kind to yourself. Doing something that matters to us takes courage, energy and work. A tutor of mine said the only person we are ever stuck with is ourselves, everyone else is a choice. Getting to know ourselves can be a lifelong journey and it can take courage to look at the dark and crooked hidden parts of ourselves and approaching this journey without judgement and having compassion to yourself is truly being kind to yourself.